


Pattern of Dishonest Silence

by Kitiara_Raistlin



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 05:30:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19717186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitiara_Raistlin/pseuds/Kitiara_Raistlin
Summary: Four years ago Special Agent Caitlin Todd was killed in the line of duty. By chance the team learns what Tony really lost that day and that there was more to his and Kate's relationship than they ever knew. One-shot.





	Pattern of Dishonest Silence

Marine Charles Richards had been murdered last night. The team was still trying to put the pieces together, still trying to figure out what had happened. Ziva had discovered some emails on the marine's laptop sent to a friend asking for a meeting, saying he'd discovered something and he wasn't sure if he should report it. They were annoyingly vague but Gibbs had told her to call up the friend and ask him to drop by. Maybe they'd get lucky and the meeting had taken place before the murder and the friend could give them more details.

They were each at their desks. Tony was searching through photos of the crime scene, jotting down notes. There was the ding of the elevators but he didn't bother to look up. He was too engrossed. He was just zooming in on a particular section of one of the photos, closely examining an imprint in the grass when he heard Ziva get to her feet and say, "Are you Captain Mathew Todd?"

She held out her hand and the man shook it.

"You're Ziva David? We spoke on the phone?"

"Yes we did. Thank you for coming. I have some questions about your friend Marine Richards."

Something about the man's voice caused Tony to look up. He blinked for several seconds at the man in front of him. It felt almost wrong to see him standing there. The man was from a decidedly closed chapter of his life. How had he not thought to ask Ziva the name of the man Richards had contacted?

"Matt."

The man turned, looked at him and then broke out in a grin. "Tony! It's fantastic to see you again! How are you?"

"You know Tony?" asked Ziva, surprised.

"Yeah. Of course." Tony should have jumped in with something here, but his normally quick reflexes felt dulled with shock and…with something else: hurt. An old, throbbing pain. "He was engaged to my sister," Matt continued a little more solemnly, the grin fading and be replaced by a regretful smile. "I've been overseas for the past couple years, just got back last month. Been meaning to contact you Tony. It's really, really good to see you. We should do dinner."

"Tony was engaged?" asked Ziva, the surprise evident in her voice.

Tony became very conscious of that fact that both Gibbs and McGee were now watching closely. "We should probably talk about Richards," he said abruptly.

"Of course," Matt agreed, sensing Tony's desire to change the subject. "We should. We didn't actually have the meeting but we talked a few times on the phone yesterday."

"Do you remember what time?" asked Gibbs, standing and coming over.

"Captain Todd, this is Agent Gibbs," Ziva said, introducing them.

"Gibbs?" Matt blinked. "Jethro Gibbs?"

"Have we met?" asked Gibbs.

Tony could see the train wreck coming but was powerless to stop it.

"I think my sister worked for you. She talked about you a lot, you meant a great deal to her. Caitlin. You recruited her out of the Secret Service."

There was a long silence.

"Your Kate's brother?"

Matt nodded. "Yes. One of them. It's a pleasure to meet you. I know how much Kate loved working for you."

"Wait…if Tony was engaged to your sister…" said McGee from his desk. "And Kate was your sister…then Tony was engaged to…" He trailed off.

There was a long dead silence. Tony felt multiple eyes on him, each with their own unreadable expression.

"I didn't realize…they didn't know," said Matt, addressing Tony, his tone apologetic.

"Ziva," said Gibbs abruptly, "You had some questions for Captain Todd?"

"Ah, yes I did." Ziva said, but Tony noticed that she seemed unusually flustered. It felt wrong. Ziva never got flustered.

Gibbs turned to Tony and opened his mouth to say something when his phone started to ring. With a curse Gibbs picked it up. With Gibbs momentarily distracted Tony shot up and sped towards the elevator. He breathed a sigh of relief as he punched the button for Abby's floor and the doors closed behind him.

He had never thought…after all this time…that it would could come out. Four years. Four years since he'd lost her. It had been hard at first. He'd felt so self-conscious about his grief. How much mourning for a fellow agent could you get away with and not raise questions? But their team was close; if he hid his feelings too much, other questions might have been raised. It had been torture trying to balance it all out, and he had constantly felt as if he were getting it wrong. But everyone else on the team had been too distraught to really notice. And in a strange way he had been grateful for his distraction. He could pour his energy into acting his grief, instead of actually having to deal with it. It had helped. It had let him work through it piecemeal.

It had been hard coming into work, sitting across from her desk…months after he had started acting as if he was coming to terms with her death, he still felt shattered each time he saw something that reminded him of her….and that was just about everything both at office and home.

But it had faded. The hurt was still there. He still missed her. But it was a passive hurt. And he hadn't even considered people might still find out…and then Matt. Matt Todd had to walk in and spill it, and it had all taken less than five minutes, without one whiff of warning. Tony thumped the wall with his fist angrily.

The elevator doors slid open and he reluctantly got out. He headed into Abby's lab and waved at her.

"What's up Tony?"

"Got anything?" he asked.

Abby frowned. "Why are you here asking me that? Where's Gibbs?"

"On the phone."

"So why are you here?" Abby tilted her head to one side. "Something up?"

Tony hesitated and then sighed. There wasn't much point in denying that. Abby would read him like a book. "Yes, Abby. But I'm not going into it. I just need a moment. Do you mind if I hide out here for a bit?"

"Gibbs will find you," said Abby, promptly.

"I know. But at least I'll have a couple of minutes."

"Not even that DiNozzo," snapped a voice from the doorway. Tony winced and turned around to see Gibbs standing there. He must have taken the stairs. "Elevator. Now."

Sighing resignedly Tony followed Gibbs into the elevator. Instantly, the split second it started up, Gibbs flicked the emergency switch.

"Well?" Gibbs asked. "You going to explain that announcement Captain Todd just made?"

"I think it pretty much spoke for itself boss," Tony grumbled.

Gibbs took a step closer. "Were you and Special Agent Todd in a romantic relationship?" he asked, his voice threatening.

Tony winced. If Gibbs was using her formal title, he was mad. "Fine, yes, alright. We were."

"You were engaged to be married?"

"Yes!"

"And why is this the first any of us are hearing about it?"

Tony took a step back, away from Gibbs, and leaned against the elevator wall. "It's complicated."

"Then explain it to me." Gibbs voice changed and Tony looked at him curiously. It was almost disappointed. Was he hurt that he hadn't been told? Was he disappointed in Tony for the engagement in the first place?

Tony sighed and shrugged. "We didn't mean for it to happen. We hung out a lot. We were friends. We got takeout. Watched a lot of movies together. She'd let me pick them most of the time. We teased each other and laughed and it was fun. It was a lot of fun. We were really good friends. After a particularly bad case, being with her just always seemed to make it go away. I mean you knew Kate, boss. She was funny, she was honest. She didn't put up with any bull, from me or anyone else, and I liked that. We were really good friends."

He paused.

"Go on," Gibbs prompted.

"It was right after the White case. When I went undercover as a prisoner? That night I was home alone. I felt like crap. I felt…undercover work boss…it lets you see another side to people. I know what White was. I know he would have killed me. But I still hated that I had to shoot him boss. I was at my apartment and I just getting ready to drink myself head shattering drunk, when there was a knock on the door. Kate was standing there. She didn't even let me say 'hi' before she started talking. She said she wanted to break the pattern of dishonest silence and let down her guard so she could say what she felt and be happy. And said she loved me and then she kissed me. And I realized…even though quite honestly boss I hadn't had a clue before then, that I loved her too. I'd fallen in love somewhere between Chinese takeout, crime scenes, and Hitchcock films and I hadn't even realized it. And I kissed her right back." Tony chuckled, as he remembered it.

Gibbs waited a minute and then coughed.

"Oh right, well," said Tony, forcing himself to continue. "We dated for a while. We weren't sure how serious it was or how it would last so we kept it under wraps. You had told Kate when you hired her if she ever went against protocol again and dated a coworker you'd fire her. Plus it went against rule number twelve. We thought we'd just lay low and take it slow. Why get fired over something that might just be a stupid mistake? And then I got the plague. And that changed everything. Because while I was lying in that hospital bed I realized that no matter how short my life might end up being, I wanted Kate in it. After I got better I couldn't even wait to leave the hospital. I proposed to her right from my hospital bed. And she actually was okay with that. I think that just made me love her more."

Gibbs frowned. "And what was your excuse for keeping the engagement a secret then? Obviously by that point you'd decided it was pretty darn serious."

"We were going to tell you. Of course we were. But, we knew that would be a lot of drama and I'd nearly died, we'd had just _had_ drama. We just wanted to be happy about it for a while. We both loved working for NCIS and we both loved working on the team. Losing that was going to be rough. We didn't know if you were going to fire one or both of us for it, but either way that was going to be hard. So we thought we'd take one month, just one month to have a special time just our own, to celebrate between ourselves. We did tell her family. But that was it. We said after that month, no matter what, we'd come clean with you. You'd told her you'd fire her, and you're pretty big on keeping your word boss. And there was the strong possibility you'd fire me with her. But we knew whatever came it was all worth it. We really did plan to tell you Gibbs. Except…" Tony fell silent.

"Except that three weeks after you got the plague, Ari showed up," Gibbs finished.

Tony nodded. "Yeah. And I watched as a bullet was shot through her head right in front of me." He ran a hand over his face. "And I couldn't lose the team on top of that, not after losing her. It was the only thing that kept me sane. So I didn't tell you. I couldn't risk it."

"You really think I'd fire you after Kate died?" asked Gibbs.

Tony shrugged. And then winced as he felt the head slap.

"I wouldn't have fired you." Gibbs flicked off the emergency switch and with a jolt the elevator started up again. "…either of you."

Tony raised an eyebrow. There a ding and the doors slid open.

"She was a wonderful woman DiNozzo," said Gibbs quietly. "I'm sorry for your loss." With that Gibbs strode out of the elevator.

* * *

It was an awkward day. McGee seemed highly embarrassed every time he spoke to Tony. Abby came up around lunch time looking teary-eyed and hugging him. Even Ducky emerged from autopsy to pat him on the shoulder and say a few kind words. Tony didn't enjoy it. He'd grieved. Condolences now just rubbed it raw again.

He had a few quite words with Matt and made plans for the weekend. It had felt good to see Matt again. It felt like a way to remember Kate and honor her memory without living in the past. Connecting with Matt, met he could connect with Kate in a healthy way that wasn't about brooding. It was good.

He wasn't sure when he first noticed it, but at some point in the afternoon he realized that Ziva had kept looking over at him surreptitiously all day, an unreadable expression on her face. She was also more quiet than normal. He tried to engage her in some of their usual banter but she didn't really seem to process any of it. He tried going on a long film analogy based off of The Thin Man but she didn't blink. She seemed thoughtful.

Robert's murder was solved quite early, Matt's information having proved extremely useful. McGee and Gibbs left early. But Tony remained. He could sense Ziva wanted to say something to him but wasn't ready yet. He waited, giving her time, typing away at his computer, pretending to be working, as the building slowly emptied out. It was near eight before Ziva finally rose to her feet and came over to his desk. She stood in front of it formally, standing straight and stiff, her hands clasped behind her back.

"Tony."

He looked up at her. "Yes?"

"I am sorry."

"About what?" he asked, pretending he didn't already guess where this was headed.

"I knew my brother had done something terrible. I knew he had taken a friend. But I did not know he had taken away the woman you loved. I am sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I know. But he is-…he _was_ my family." She paused, a strange, pained mix of emotions playing across her face. "It must have been hard for you to work with me after what he had done."

"No," said Tony firmly. "I never blamed you for what Ari did."

Ziva nodded. She paused there for a moment, the two looking at each other a little awkwardly and then she started to turn away.

Suddenly from the back of his mind, he remembered Kate's voice. It seemed so clear, so loud. As if she was standing right in front of him saying the words again.

_I want to break the pattern Tony. This pattern of dishonest silence. I want to drop my guard and get the truth out so I can be happy. I love you._

"It was hard and confusing," he said abruptly. Ziva turned to look at him. "The way you seemed to just come in here and replace her. You showed up and you took her desk and you took her job. And I did resent that. I felt I had to be loyal to her memory but at the same time ….you fit in. You had spunk, you were brave, you were clueless about American slang and a terrible driver, and I felt guilty the first time I thought of it as 'Ziva's desk' and not 'Kate's desk'. It felt wrong just letting you take her place. But then at some point I realized you didn't replace her. It didn't have to be one or the other. I didn't have to choose between the two of you. Or choose which of you were part of the team. You both were. You both _are_."

Ziva thought for a long moment and then nodded. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry if I've never said this before. I don't think I've ever said how much our friendship means to me. I'm not sure I ever had it figured out myself before right now. But now I do. So let's break the pattern."

She frowned. "What pattern? Is this another American idiom?"

"I'll explain later." Tony smiled and got up. "Come on, why don't we go get something to eat? I'm starved."

"I'd like that. And perhaps…"

"Yes?"

"You were telling me about that movie this afternoon? The Thin Man? Perhaps we could watch it sometime together?"

Tony grinned. "I'm free Friday."

As the two headed towards the elevators, he couldn't shake the strange feeling that somehow Kate had reached through time and death to break the pattern one last time.


End file.
